life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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