My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
