one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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