please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
did i walk over a car last night?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
