My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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