I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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