I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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