Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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