I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
