The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
