I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
