i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
