I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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