apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
