I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
