Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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