Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
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New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
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He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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