I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
