You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
