just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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