you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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