dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
His nipple licking is glorious
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