Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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