I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
