i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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