i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
