Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
