I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
