are you still at the devil's house?
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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