dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
