seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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