Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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