Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
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$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
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I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument