i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off