I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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