Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I am morally bankrupt
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
