I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
