I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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