I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
