The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's shark week go big or go home
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
