This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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