I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
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I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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