nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
