Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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