She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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