I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
