A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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