Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize