we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
