Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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