Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
