Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
