That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
