He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
