He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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