bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
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