Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
