She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
