Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
