I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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